But as I accomplished the goals on my list, my tick list continued to grow. I realized that I would always have a list of climbing goals my whole life, but my goal of having a kid had a more serious biological time limit. Having kids did not mean I had to give up my climbing goals but endlessly pursuing climbing goals might keep me from having kids.
After working hard to save some money for a few years, I finally felt a sense of stability with my partner. Andrew was just as excited as I was about having a kid and has offered me endless support throughout our relationship. We felt ready to embark on this adventure together.
After months of trying and failing to conceive, I decided that it was for the best and that since I loved my life just how it was, I was better off not having a kid. Upon accepting this, I realized my period was late. I took a pregnancy test, and we learned that we had done it.
I was immediately filled with fear and anxiety for the future. Instead of worrying about money, childcare, college tuition, or climate change like most parents, I was overcome with anxiety about losing myself and my identity to this child. I worried about the fact that the amazing life I had created for myself would disappear forever. I know that everyone’s life changes when they have a kid. But as an almost middle aged climbing guide, living for months on end in my converted minivan, I knew that my life would have to change a lot more than most peoples in order to accommodate a child.